Asking for an apology and forgiving can both be very difficult. In his parable of the unmerciful servant ( Mt 18:21-35 ), the Lord Jesus addresses the second problem. In it he makes it clear: If the “God of forgiveness” ( Neh 9:17 ) has forgiven us an incredible amount, we should also be ready to do the same with our brothers and sisters. Some basic thoughts on this topic:
- God has infinitely forgiven us - represented by the 10,000 talents (3400 tons, according to the silver price as of February 2023: 2.2 trillion euros). In comparison, the debt someone owes us is much smaller (in the parable 100 denarii = 100 daily wages). A huge difference.
- As is so often the case, the standard is God himself. The following passages, among others, speak about his limitless and complete forgiveness: Ps 103:12 ; Isaiah 38:17 ; Wed 7:19; Heb 10:17 . A perfect example for us, as Ephesians 4:32 says, "Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you."
- We shouldn't make the "splinter" on the opposite side larger than our "bar". Those who are aware of the extent to which they may have already sinned against their brothers and sisters will also be milder when they are hurt or disappointed. Proverbs 19:11 : "A man's discernment makes him long-suffering, and his glory is in ignoring transgression." This verse also helps not to see everything as an act that requires forgiveness: Someone didn't say hello to us while we were shopping , forgot our birthday, made a thoughtless remark, etc.? Maybe none of this was intentional.
- Who does forgiveness help? By forgiving, the forgiver “helps” two people: the one asking for forgiveness and himself.
- The one who asks for forgiveness: This person is relieved of feelings of guilt, which can otherwise be a terrible torment. It is difficult to enjoy fellowship with the Lord with guilt. So when I refuse to forgive, I end up holding the person in that sad state.
- Self: Not forgiving encourages bitterness, but it also strains my own relationship with the Lord. If He asks me to forgive and I don't do it, there's no way I can be happy. This is the practical application of the "tormentors" ( Mt 18:34 ), who torment the soul of the unmerciful.
- When do I start looking for a conversation with the one who hurt me (cf. Mt 18:15 )? With every little thing? Does humility perhaps require me to swallow things? This answer is certainly not easy to answer, possibly Mt 5:23-24 is herea help: “If you bring your gift to the altar and you remember there that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar and go first, be reconciled to your brother; and then come and offer your offering.” If what has happened strains my relationship with the Lord (or that of the brother/sister with the Lord) and, as in the example, makes worship difficult, discussion is necessary. It's not about your own honor, it's about the honor of the Lord.
- is there a limit The Lord says: "And if he sins against you seven times a day and comes back to you seven times and says, 'I am sorry, you shall forgive him'" ( Luke 17:4 ). I can't imagine being willing to forgive a brother when he has committed the same sin against me for the seventh time in one day. Yet that is precisely the standard that Christ sets before us here. If he does that, we can be sure that he can also help to keep it.
- What if there is never a confession? Can the “victim” ever be set free? An example from the Lord's life may be useful here. We read of him that "being rebuked, not rebuked, suffering, not threatening, but handing it over to him who judges righteously" ( 1 Pet 2:23 ). So he turned the matter over to God. It is probably for this reason that he says the prayer on the cross: "Father, forgive them" ( Lk 23:34 ). No one there had asked his forgiveness. But the Lord Jesus is revealing something here that I would like to call an attitude of forgiveness: the willingness to forgive. For us: "I let go of all resentment and anger and forgive the person now, even if they have not yet asked for it." This frees the injured person in his heart.
- In what attitude should we forgive? "From the heart" ( Mt 18:35 ). Not reluctantly, not "disappointed" because you can't let the other person stew with guilt, you can.
- What is the purpose of forgiveness? To win the brother ( Mt 18,15 ). Forgiveness ends bitterness, nagging guilt, broken trust, a strained friendship, a troubled relationship with the Lord, etc. Forgiveness reflects the great miracle of Calvary.
“...bearing one another and forgiving one another when one has a complaint against the other; just as Christ has forgiven you, so also you.” ( Col 3:13 )
Alexander Schneider